UDreamOfJanie

Dream a Little Dream of Me.

Boxers Or Briefs?

Mind The GapI need a little break from the sadness over Aunt Helen’s trip to California, and I imagine that you do, too.

So The Boy went and bought The Red Dress yesterday afternoon. That was a good time. Don’t know about The Red Dress yet?

Let me just tell ya’. It’s too funny.

It all started a long, long time ago.

In our family certain customs are observed religiously. They vary a bit from generation to generation, but some things just are not done, and some things just must be done. There’s no real logic to it all, it’s just the way it is, and breaking the rules is cause for long-term ostracization. You do not spit in public. Ladies always wear dresses to church. You do not drop the F bomb in front of your seniors. You do not discuss family dysfunction.

And you simply do not wear red to funerals.

The full story is below the fold.

Well before I was born, back in the mid to late sixties sometime, Aunt Helen and her family had come to Pennsylvania for a visit. This was an annual or semi-annual occurrence because the trip from North Carolina was very long, and with three young children and jobs and school and whatnot, it just wasn’t something that happened a lot.

While in town on this particular visit, someone in the immediate family happened to die. Rather rudely, they croaked at a most inconvenient time, as Aunt Helen didn’t happen to bring a black dress for her pre-teenaged daughter, and money wasn’t freely flowing from the money tree at that time of year.

Always the practical one, Aunt Helen did the only reasonable thing she could. She dressed her daughter in the only dress they had brought along for her – a red dress.

To begin with, apparently Grammom Helen (Aunt Helen’s mom) thought that red was for whores. Ladies did not wear red, ever. Not red lipstick, not red fingernails, not red dresses. Red was most definitely for whores.

Now Grammom Helen wasn’t terribly circumspect in her language. I loved her, but she was from a different time, a different school, so we didn’t always see things around us in the same way. I, being the younger of the two of us by some 70 years, properly observed family protocol and kept my trap shut at such times. But to the day she died, one of the most nerve grating expressions that frequently emanated from my otherwise mostly wonderful Grammom Helen was in reference to Aunt Helen:

“First, she joined the Marine Corps. Then she married that God. Damned. PortoRikkin.” Whether she was more affronted by that, or I was more affronted that she would think such a thing, I suppose we’ll never know.

So when Aunt Helen showed up at the funeral home with her “half-breed” daughter dressed in red, it should have surprised no one when she observed very loudly that my cousin looked “like a Spanish whore”. It did not make it any less painful that it was unsurprising.

Discussing this once just a few years ago, Aunt Helen observed that she wanted to be buried in a red dress. Then she got off on a tangent about how she didn’t want a bunch of mourning and crying at her funeral, but she rather wanted everyone to put on their best red party dress and come to celebrate her life.

Our family is not known for still tongues.

The Boy – “Well, that’s just what I’ll do. I’ll go out and get me a brand new red party dress, shave my legs, and come and celebrate your life.” Aunt Helen, having the most wonderful sense of humor, made him promise.

Well the time has come. The dress is bought, the legs are shaved. But the boxer shorts just did. not. cut. it. Talk about a panty line!

The white stretch lace thong will work much better. (I think he kinda likes it, too.)

From whence came the art:

That photograph is titled Mind The Gap Official Thong, by Annie Mole and though The Boy‘s wife owns one of those, he’s going with white stretch lace.

Filed under: Family, Fashion, Humor, UDoJ's Other Sites

30 Responses

  1. […] wants red, because when she was young her mother scolded her once for wearing a red dress to church bringing my young cousin to a funeral wearing a red dress. Red was the color for whores, my grandmother told her. Aunt Helen has a defiant streak, I […]

  2. Martyne says:

    Instantly recognised the London Underground logo on the underwear. I have travelled on it many times. Is The Boy into railways? I have a friend who could talk about trains all day with him. He recently visited Carnforth station which was the location for the classic film “Brief Encounter”. Spookily he had been in the area because he was at the funeral of a close family member the day before. Hope all goes well with Aunt Helen’s. I will be thinking about you.

  3. damewiggy says:

    What a fabulous read m’lady –truly wonderful story.

    And how i do lovvvve a sassy lady. God bless Aunt Helen.

    hugs ‘n loves, mama.

  4. JanieBelle says:

    Martyne,

    Nah, it’s just a very British reminder of London. It’s as symbolically London as Big Ben’s clock tower or the Tower Bridge to us.

    Dame WigglyButt,

    Thank you, and hugs ‘n loves right back, chica.

    She certainly did have the family spunk, but only used her powers for good.

    She will be sorely missed.

    Kisses

  5. Janine says:

    Would not The Boy need more down there to hide his, er, maleness? Other than that, the story is too tasty.

    I cannot help but to think of a Maria McKee song, ‘IF Love Is A Red Dress Than Bury Me In Rags’. It was used in a scene in ‘Pulp Fiction’ when Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames crash into the redneck’s store.

  6. JanieBelle says:

    I’ll have to go check Pulp Fiction out again, I don’t remember the song.

    As for the thong, well, it’s a bit…

    snug…

    on him, so it seems to work.

    It’s at least working better than going all breezy under the dress, anyway.

    That wasn’t pretty at all.

    😆

    Kisses Janine

  7. Janine says:

    It is not very loud and it quickly gets drowned out by the noise. But the whole song is in the soundtrack.

    As for the thong, it would seem it would have to be ‘snug’.

    Kisses JanieBelle.

    Oh, I hope you don’t mind but I have been using you to taunt Shitlgruber.

  8. JanieBelle says:

    Oh, please do. Now that I have my handy dandy disemvoweler and my Loch Ness Jesus things going, I’m hoping to lure him here away from bothering Kristine.

    I am the spider…

  9. max says:

    That is a wonderful story.

  10. JanieBelle says:

    It really is, max. Aunt Helen was quite the woman, and the world is a lesser place for her loss.

    The viewing is tomorrow. Her kids have all approved The Red Dress thing, having inherited their mother’s sense of defiance, and everyone else can go to Hell if they don’t like it.

    There will be much amusement amongst the younger set, but I suspect there will be much gnashing of teeth amongst the older folks.

    Should be fun, and that’s exactly what Aunt Helen wanted.

  11. JanieBelle says:

    P.S. Did you see what he paid for it???

    sunuvabitch

  12. max says:

    Oh he is a savvy shopper. Good job.

  13. Lou FCD says:

    Thank you max. I did have a little help, though.

    Janie,

    Was it really necessary to the story to mention the thong?

  14. JanieBelle says:

    Oh yes it most certainly was.

    Now get back on your own side of the fence!

  15. teriffic story Janie…
    may aunt Helen RIP

  16. […] Aunt Helen’s funeral is later this morning, the viewing behind us now.

    It went as well as could be expected. Aunt Mary and some of my cousins, and both of my sisters were a little shocked upon seeing me, not having known about The Red Dress. (Janie’s got the full story here.) […]

  17. […] some of you have requested to see the pictures of The Boy in The Red Dress that he wore to Aunt Helen’s viewing. (The full story at that link, here at […]

  18. ardenchatfield says:

    I’m saddened that the Boy shaved his legs first. Wuss.

  19. JanieBelle says:

    Well, that was part of the promise, Arden.

    You’d know that if you came around more often like you used to.

    😛

    Not only his legs, but it looked kinda dumb with shaved legs but with armpit and chest hair hanging out all over.

    If he’s gonna do something, he does it All. The. Way.

    Just so y’know.

    Kisses, and stop being a stranger.

  20. ardenchatfield says:

    What did you do about the Adam’s apple?

  21. JanieBelle says:

    I didn’t do nuthin’.

    …and neither did he, for the record.

  22. JanieBelle says:

    …and the first one that even thinks about correcting my double negative gets a kick in the shin.

    Just so y’know.

  23. ardenchatfield says:

    “…and the first one that even thinks about correcting my double negative gets a kick in the shin.”

    How do you kick one’s shins over the internets?

  24. ardenchatfield says:

    “As hard as I can.”

    Touché. 🙂

  25. JanieBelle says:

    I was well trained.

    🙂

  26. […] P.S. You’re just jealous that The Boy has a better figure than you (I think he looks great, and he wore it for a damned good reason full backstory here). Also, you’re just mad because the UD boys were all swooning over me first. That makes you sloppy seconds. […]

  27. […] Have a look around. There’s a section on the right side bar called “Some Personal Favorites” that contains some things I’ve written that are… well… personal favorites. There’s some information about me and this blog here on this post. The Incident of the Red Dress is documented mostly under the tag Aunt Helen, if you’re interested in seeing me in a dress. I hope you are brave. The deep background on that incident is over at UDoJ. […]

  28. […] Watching my cousin, the one once labeled “a Spanish whore”, gave me comfort. She wore her loudest red dress, great big tropical flowers on it, bright red nails on fingers and toes, and a red sweater. […]

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