Doctors today removed five small polyps from the smarter end of His Highness, The Glorified Houseplant Who Would Be Caesar. They also managed to locate the head of Vice Emperor Dick, although they were unable to extricate it. Meanwhile, the crack
smoking shot Vice Emperor was left in charge of the country for two hours and managed not to instigate any new wars or “accidentally” shoot anybody else.
(Click photo to enlarge illustration of location of polyps, WMDs, and Dick’s Head.)
Asked how he managed to not make anything in the world worse than it already has been by his unconscious boss for two entire hours, the Vice Emperor replied, “I was handcuffed to a steam pipe before the procedure began.”
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An in-depth investigation by Attorney Dictator General Alberto Gonzales into the handcuff incident revealed that no one in the administration was responsible – for anything – ever. Gonzales said that charges would be immediately filed against random citizens “who look a little too foreign”. The keys to the handcuffs have yet to be found, and several contractors contacted by the White House have declined to open them.
Millions of Americans breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief at the news, which exacerbated the global climate change problem. Gonzales indicated that a few thousand scientists and Democrats would have been arrested and tortured at Gitmo for this, except that global climate change was as much a myth as “that Constitution fantasy” so he would have to think up new charges.
Meanwhile, after awakening
the Almighty Asshole President Bush held a news conference wherein he said, “I’d just like to thank Jesus for helping me to find the source of the WMD’s in Iraq. They were in my butt, hidden there by Iranian terrorists.”
Jesus could not be reached for comment.