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JanieBelle Saves The Planet

Big Honkin' SUVI’m about to say something that might not be so popular here in The United States. I know, it’s hard to believe that your heroine (sorry but I kinda like some girly words – I revel in my femininity) might occasionally say something unpopular.

I’ve come up with a way to cut fossil fuel emissions by like a gazillion percent, and I want to see it made law.

See that big honkin SUV right there? That’s a GMC Yukon Denali XL, and I sorta know this lady that drives one. Her husband drives a pick-up. A great big shiny extended cab one, with big ol’ tires on it, and that extra set of tires in the back. As it happens, they aren’t very nice people in general, just as an aside. They’re rather pushy and rude, and walk around with an air of entitlement about them. Perhaps that’s why they drive these two beasts that get twelve miles to the gallon of gas, and why they drive them the way they do. I see them rather frequently on the road, and it’s rather frightening to watch them drive like maniacs, and then scream at people who get in their way. Anyone who’s going less than twenty miles an hour over the speed limit seems to be particularly singled out for their single fingered wrath, accompanied by tailgating, flashing headlights, and blaring horn.

Anyways, they’re wreckin’ the planet for no good reason. I was once trapped into a conversation with them, and during the conversation the subject of gas prices came up. Both of them began this huge whiny lament about the price of gas.

I, being who I am and all, asked why they didn’t just get smaller vehicles. Did they need the behemoths? Does the dad haul much stuff around? No. They were aghast that I even suggest that he put anything in the bed of the truck. It might scratch the paint, and he doesn’t like the look of a bed liner! They have one kid, she’s ten years old. The mom doesn’t pick up the kids for soccer practice, doesn’t deliver stuff for a living (she’s a stay-at-home mom). Does mom have occasional need for a lot of passengers? God forbid! Hauling people around, she’d have to have it detailed all the time, and they couldn’t just go throwing money away like that!

So why do they drive them? They like ’em. They’re big, and they can see over traffic better, plus they’re pretty. And besides, this is AMERICA! We’re allowed to drive whatever car we want here!

Idiots. Maybe that’s the problem. I have a solution, it’s below the fold.

The JanieBelle Act:

Just like the annual safety inspection sticker and annual emissions sticker that are required to go on your windshield, every vehicle must have an annual mileage sticker as well. Every road in America becomes like an HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane, where cars and SUVs that get under 35 mpg are only permitted on the road if they’re carrying five or more people. Pickup trucks must have a full load, with a legitimate purpose.

Violation of this law carries the death sentence.

People who routinely cut other people off, tailgate, drive on the side of the road because they can’t be bothered to wait in line with everybody else, and use the threat of the large vehicle to force themselves into traffic aren’t allowed to have drivers’ licenses in the first place.

Oh, and rude idiots should be sterilized forcibly. (That last part can be added as a rider or amendment in committee.)

Filed under: Education, Politics, Rants, Science

13 Responses

  1. Infophile says:

    Hmm, might need to make a caveat in the law that you’re allowed to drive it if you’re taking it out so you can pick up people. Of course, adding this is makes it a bit hard to enforce…

    As for your sterilization recommendation, I think Alberta actually had that law for a long time. They had a law on the books where they sterilized everyone “undesirable,” though it wasn’t often enforced. Oddly enough, the undesirables included unwed mothers, thus showing how little politicians think things through.

  2. JanieBelle says:

    Which is exactly why I should be elected Her Most Excellent Goddess and Empress of the Universe.

    I’d fix things the way they should be.

  3. Courtney says:

    You have my vote!

  4. JanieBelle says:

    Why thank you, Courtney!

    That makes it unanimous, then. I’ll start work on Monday, everyone OK with that?

    Kisses to you!

  5. Martyne says:

    Not 100% sold on the idea of you being ruler of the Universe. Sort of hankered after the job myself, although I believe the hours are quite long. We could possibly negotiate a job share! I would greatly expand your sterilization programme. All owners of SUV’s and 4X4’s in an urban area who were not using them for legitimate business purposes should have their genitalia removed forthwith. We need to stop them breeding so they do not have children to indoctrinate with their assh*le mentality. Thought it might be a good idea to nail repeat offenders to crosses. It worked for the Romans.

  6. Brendan says:

    35 mpg seems a little high. I suggest 25 highway, only because such vehicles are a little easier to get ahold of, and there’s always the option of updating it later, when vehicles at the 35 mpg level and up become more common.
    Remember, the trick to changing hearts and minds en masse is not to slap them suddenly, it’s to slowly nudge them where you want them. A slap can awaken a person, can help some people, but nudges are the forces that shape humanity as a whole.

  7. JanieBelle says:

    Pfft. I speak loudly and carry a big stick. I don’t want to win their hearts and minds, I want to make them stop wrecking my planet.

    Plus, I’m kinda looking forward to the executions thing. The crucifixions that Martyne suggest sound like a lovely family picnic type event.

    Kisses

  8. I guess I hadn’t considered the public execution aspect. I think we need more of those. Executions need to be public again.

  9. Martyne says:

    Brendan, I have to agree with your sentiments on the carrot thing. It would be my natural method of action. However, given the size of the the problem and the short timescale we possibly have to get things right I will have to say that JanieBelle’s stick approach might be more effective. I have softened my approach to the punishment aspect and would like to advocate the following policy on a “three strikes and your out” basis. The first time you buy one of these vehicles you are still neutered, it’s for the greater good, but it is just looked upon as a bit of a mistake. If you trade it in for a second one you are considered to be distinctly careless. And if you aquire a third one it is staight to crucifiction on the first available date. I like the idea of a picnic. Death by electrocution is so quick and you barely get the time to put a few nibbles in your mouth before they are gone. Crucifiction means you could have a serious clam bake, a bit of a siesta, and still wake up to have some desert before they pass away. Suck on that Disneyland.

  10. JanieBelle says:

    Plus electrocutions must be pretty foul smelling.

  11. Deacon Barry says:

    Crucifixions ain’t that fragrant either. See ‘Dogma’ for an explanation about Golgotha, and the genesis of the excrement monster,

  12. Martyne says:

    Indeed JanieBelle. Crucifiction would be a breath of fresh air, in the fresh air, so to speak.

  13. Martyne says:

    Never saw your comment before I posted mine Deacon. Too close together. I guess the eye can see longer than the nose can smell, especially if you are upwind.

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