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Ted “I Art No Homo” Haggard Back In The Closet

A peek above our garters to Kevin of WhoreChurch (really funny post, go check it out):

With apologies to CNN and the AP, this is just too damned funny to not repost in its entirety:

DENVER, Colorado (AP) — One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to “sexual immorality.”

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master’s degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn’t decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

“This is a good place for Ted,” Ware said. “It’s hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It’s like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.”

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

 

Ok, I’m fighting within myself over whether this is funny or just sad.

 

Nope, funny wins.

 

Idiot.

Filed under: Blogs In Our MonkeySphere, Fundies, Humor, Religion, Sex

7 Responses

  1. blipey says:

    I must stand up for Rev. Ted. I recently discovered that I really, really like apple pie. I sometimes found myself taking a few minutes out of rehearsal and actually eating apple pie.

    However, after 20 days of the most intense counselling, I am happy to discover that I don’t actually like apple pie.

    I like cherry pie.

    It can happen. Amen.

  2. mmmmmm… Cherry pie…

    I have one of those.

  3. WhoreChurch says:

    Thanks for the peek.

    I couldn’t believe this when I read the news report–yeah, three weeks and you’re “cured.” I wish I was better looking, I’d go seduce him just to sell the pictures.

  4. Deacon Barry says:

    I would tend to go for sad. I have no doubt that Ted is sincere in his repentence, and after 90 days of intense prayer and soul searching (shudder) probably believes he is free of his taint.
    But…
    If he has homoerotic feelings, they aren’t going to go away just like that. When he feels attracted by a good-looking man, the guilt is going to kick in big time. He will feel he is letting down the people who have just spent three months of their life ‘healing’ him. Don’t forget, he’ll also be under constant scrutiny too, for signs of backsliding. It’s going to eat him up inside. He’s in a trap, and the only way out is to admit that everything he believes, the whole foundation of his life and career is a colossal waste of time and emotional investment.
    If he should ever make that choice to reject his old life and embrace his sexuality, we should be willing to support him, and help him find peace with himself. The parable of the prodigal son has a relevence here that his ‘healers’ would most likely disapprove of.

  5. I just don’t want to see this guy back in the trade talking about how he sinned, and now he’s cured. Then driving demons out of teenagers who are afraid of their sexual feelings.

    I find it difficult to feel bad for because of all the pain he has caused on all sides, and yet he thinks that he can just ignore all that and say, “Hey everybody, I’m cured, you can love me again.” Sicko.

  6. JanieBelle says:

    I have to echo all of your comments, really. It’s sad that in this day and age sexuality is still such a dirty thing, yet violence in the extreme doesn’t even cause anyone to bat an eye.

    Priorities anyone?

    But BR is right. This guy is a scam artist and damages many people on a regular basis. I have a hard time finding sympathy for him.

    And that weird psycho stare thing he had going on in the Dawkins video is just creepy.

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