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Fundy Ted Haggard’s “Restoration”

From this morning’s paper, Teddy “I Art no homo” Haggard is still good for a chuckle


Nov 8, 9:36 PM EST

Haggard Begins Spiritual ‘Restoration’

By DAN ELLIOTT
Associated Press Writer

DENVER (AP) — There will be prayer, and perhaps the laying on of hands. There will be counseling and a confession. And there will be advice, confrontation and rebuke from “godly men” appointed to oversee the spiritual “restoration” of the Rev. Ted Haggard.

After tumbling from the pinnacle of the American evangelical movement amid allegations he snorted meth and cavorted with a male prostitute, Haggard has agreed to a rehabilitation process that could last three to five years.

“I see success approximately 50 percent of the time,” said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy at Focus on the Family, the conservative Christian ministry in Colorado Springs. “Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process.”

Those who fail “end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives,” London said.

Oh yeah. If you refuse to go straight (I kill me), you’ll be miserable and turn into a dirty car salesman!

Sounds to me like this “restoration” really F’s a person up. All the dirty car and shoe salesman of the world should sue their asses.


“From the Christian perspective, we think in terms of prayer, we think in terms of what we call godly counsel, where godly men who are clean themselves insert themselves in the life of the one who is struggling,” London said.

The symbolic laying on of hands may also be a part of the recovery, London said.

OOOO. Teddy’s gonna LOVE this! He’s gonna get hands, and laying, and insertion! It’ll be a warm-up for when he goes to jail on the meth charges.

Wait, I thought they were trying to make him straight?

Filed under: Fundies, Humor, Rants, Religion

16 Responses

  1. PiGuy says:

    I suspect that the purpose of the “restoration” is so that a few years down the road they can get him back his old job and say, “See the healing power of god? Look at what prayer and forgivenss can do for the soul?”

    In other words: “We have to re-brainwash him!”

  2. I never knew that car sales was the fall-back career for meth-freak pastors.

  3. Arden Chatfield says:

    I thought this was pretty slimy:

    Those who fail “end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives,” London said

    I daresay that car salesman or shoe salesman is a far more honorable, honest livelihood than a TV evangelist or pastor of some suburban megachurch. Most car or shoe salesmen aren’t meth heads, for one thing.

  4. JanieBelle says:

    Rick and Gary (one, the other, or both) said,

    “I never knew that car sales was the fall-back career for meth-freak pastors.”

    Or worse… a dreaded SHOE SALESMAN!!! (cue ominous music)

    Welcome to UDoJ, fellas! Everyone be sure to Go Say Hi!

  5. JanieBelle says:

    Arden! Good to see ya! How’ve ya’ been?

    “I daresay that car salesman or shoe salesman is a far more honorable, honest livelihood than a TV evangelist or pastor of some suburban megachurch. Most car or shoe salesmen aren’t meth heads, for one thing.”

    Exactly. If I were going to insult someone by job title, it’d be “Televangelist”, or “Preacher Boy”.

    Somehow, “You dirty stinkin’ shoe salesman” doesn’t really carry the impact.

    Kisses!

  6. JanieBelle says:

    Hi PiGuy!

    It’s telling that they feel like they have to re-brainwash him because he spent some intimate time with a man, not because he cheated on his wife, not because he lied to his congregation, and not because there’s white powder all over that little pea brain of his.

    Yep. Gotta keep dem priorities STRAIGHT!

    Freaks.

    Kisses to you! (assuming of course that it’s ok with Mrs. Pi!)

  7. Arden Chatfield says:

    Hey, isn’t that pastor insulting the idea of someone being a ‘mere’ car or shoe salesman sort of, well, elitist?

    And isn’t ‘elitism’ something that only us church-burnin Ebola boy secularists are supposed to be guilty of?

  8. k.e says:

    Would anyone buy a car off Haggard?

    That just leaves shoes….size 42’s with 9 inch heels and a nice line of ‘Priscilla Queen of the desert’ sequinned ballroom dresses.

    What would be going through his head when they all lay their hands on him.

    Lower…lower….now jack me up a line o’ your best sh*t….ahhhhhh

  9. JanieBelle says:

    k.e wants to know

    “What would be going through his head when they all lay their hands on him.”

    This, perhaps?

  10. Kristine says:

    There will be prayer, and perhaps the laying on of hands.

    Cowabunga, Ted!

    And there will be advice, confrontation and rebuke from “godly men” appointed to over-come the pirate-ual “restoration” of the Rev. Ted Haggard.

    Okay, so it didn’t really say that. But why not? It’s what we’re all thinking. Arrrg, matey! Fly the Jolly Roger!

    “What would be going through his head when they all lay their hands on him.”

    Gives new meaning to the term “risen Christ.”

    Sorry.

  11. The symbolic laying on of hands may also be a part of the recovery, London said.
    I thought that was part of the problem.

  12. blipey says:

    k.e. said

    Would anyone buy a car off Haggard?

    Personally, I’d just leave it on top of him. Unless he is a top, of course….

    I agree completely with piguy. I’ve taught an after-school theatre program in Catholic schools for the past few years and they have a similar program that I have to go through.

    Many dioceses are requiring any teachers, administrators, or independent contractors such as myself to obtain Virtus training. This is basically a program of CYA. That way, the next time someone accuses them of something, they’ll say, “Look; you guys were trained too and you didn’t raise a flag, so there.”

  13. PiGuy says:

    Kristine:
    Dag – you’ve got a one-track mind today. I’ll never think of Easter the same way again!

    janiebelle:
    “Broke solemn promise with his wife? It happens.”

    “Crystal Meth? Ah – he’s only human.”

    “Lied to the followers to get money? That’s what we do here!”

    “Whoa, wait a cotton-pickin’ minute. He’s gay? SINNER!”

    Yeah, if only they can get him to like women again. They can live with the rest.

  14. k.e says:

    Laying on of hands.

    You know the more I think about it the funnier it gets.

    Just think ….all those old middle aged homophobes must be jealous as hell of super Ted.

    I’ll bet they can’t wait to touch the ‘chosen one’.

    hehehe Just imagine the headlines if things get out of hand so to speak

    Gay orgy at homophobe convention.

    The ex Rev Ted Haggard denies several ministers tried to tongue kiss him while he compared their woodies.

    On a side note to Janiebelle (oooohhhh tingles all over), I read the link to that wacky symbolic reading on the tree of Knowledge…ok….I’d like to see what he says about Adam’s apple.

  15. JanieBelle says:

    “Gay orgy at homophobe convention.

    The ex Rev Ted Haggard denies several ministers tried to tongue kiss him while he compared their woodies.

    On a side note to Janiebelle (oooohhhh tingles all over), I read the link to that wacky symbolic reading on the tree of Knowledge…ok….I’d like to see what he says about Adam’s apple.”

    OMG! I just woke up sleepyhead Kate, laughing my ass off!

    Fortunately, I immediately showed her this, which got her laughing.

    Then thinking about orgies…

    Then kissing…

    Good night!

  16. breakerslion says:

    They’re going about this all wrong!

    “Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!” – and a jar of vaseline.

    Speaking of, I’ve never seen a car salesman or a shoe salesman leave a trail of slime…. The only suitable profession that I can think of (at this hour of the morning) for a de-frocked religo-scammer is selling expensive caskets to bereaved widows.

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